And I'm back...

Well, soooo much has happened in the last few months. Mainly Dylan had his Fontan..there were a few infection complications but overall he did wonderful and is back to his crazy self !! It is still hard to believe it is over since we were waiting for it for so long. I am still not divorced but have been separated for almost 18 months now. I am starting to move forward with my life and I am feeling really good about the future. I really hope there are no more setbacks and conflicts because I cannot let my life waste away anymore. I am staying busy, working as a nanny, raising Dylan, and trying to figure out how to maintain a social life. I will be back in school in the fall and hopefully finished by next fall. I have been doing really bad with my weight loss but went back to the gym for the first time in a few months today and I think I am ready to get started again. I would like to lose 25 more pounds but my main goal is to not gain any weight. I love how I feel when I eat right and exercise so I think that is the most important thing. Dylan is with my parents for a few nights and I am taking the time to relax, reflect on things in my life and to have some fun! I finally realize that I deserve to be happy and to do that I need to completely remove the toxic people from my life....a new chapter of my life has begun and I am ready for whatever it may have in store for me!

Gampy, White

I let Dylan stay up "late" tonight..

I was planning on putting him to bed at 9...

At about 8:45 he comes to me and asks to go to bed..

Then he says, well signs... "Gampy, White".... I said yes, Gampy is white. LOL

I take him upstairs to get ready for bed and realize he meant that he wants Gampy to lay with him in my bed (the sheets are white) and get him to sleep rather than sleep in his own bed..

This kid cracks me up.. he may not communicate like the typical 3 1/2 year old but he sure knows how to get his point across!

Well I am S-O-L

Attracting men is more than a one step process. Although stereotypes exist to the contrary, men are attracted to more than just physical beauty. Learning all aspects of what males are looking for isn’t difficult. However, it can be comprehensive and can sometimes even be a long term developmental process.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• Confidence

Step1

Advance your studies. Males are attracted to educated females. Being intelligent and knowledgeable can open yourself to a wide variety of men that you otherwise wouldn’t have the self-belief to attract.

I don't know what to talk to people about. I have been consumed in my life for the past 4 years. I am just trying to get done what I need to get done when do I have time to advance my studies. uggh

Step2

Become more confident in your skin. No matter your perceived shortcomings, being confident in yourself makes you more attractive no matter who you are. Be happy with yourself and others will take note.

I am happy in my skin but I do not know how to relax

Step3

Learn to cook. The old saying is true; the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If you can advance your culinary skills, that’s a very attractive trait.

Cooking? What is that?

Step4

Follow the latest fashion trends. While you don’t have to have a million dollar wardrobe to attract men, you should understand the latest trends in fashion.

If gap jeans are fashionable then I am okay..but I do not think that is what they are talking about

Step5

Smile when you are in public. Men are attracted to friendly females. If you are smiling, that shows that you are indeed content and would most likely welcome a conversation.

Ok, not bad

Step6

Concentrate on becoming self-reliant. If you can support yourself financially and emotionally, those are very attractive traits. It will also help you down the line in having more freedom in life. You never want to depend on another person for your well-being.

Yeah, that one just totally lost it for me.. guess I will be alone for a LOOOOONNNGGG time. eek

Focus

There are a few things I am going to focus on over the next few months and everything else is getting pushed to the side...my house can be a mess, I can have no social life whatsoever, etc. I just want to spend quality time with my son and learn to be a better mother, continue going to the gym eating right and losing weight, focusing on the support group and getting it in order again, and figuring out my living situation. I don't care if I get to go out and have fun or meet new people or anything else. I chose my path and that is being Dylan's mother, who needs anything else at this point. I am tired of losing focus...I am done

It is just one of those nights when everything is pissing me off.. I won't even begin to name what is pissing me off because it is stupid and pathetic and of no importance and its me just whining like a little baby...I just have to think of that song "me, myself, and I"... I am my own best friend... I need to stop worrying about stupid crap and letting other people affect how I feel. My gym challenge started today... I weighed myself last thursday and I was 175.8..today I was 171 even...water weight I am sure but I am getting there.. I was nothing more to lose this weight, keep it off and feel damn good about myself. There were a bunch of fat chicks at the place we were tonight dancing..ones ass crack was hanging out...that was even more motivation to add to my list.. I don't want to be one of the fat girls anymore, I have lived enough of my life being one. I guarentee you I will be in a bikini by summer and I will wear that bikini on vacation that I will be paying for with the money I win from the Gold Gym challenge..I don't want to win.. I am going to win..going to pay off my bills, go on a vacation and get a DIVORCE...I have all the motivation in the world.

Honestly, I am sooo tired I do not know why I am staying up to write. It is only 10 oclock and I am exhausted but I have felt this way all day. I tried to go to the gym this morning but Dylan freaked out in the child care room. I left him..went upstairs and put my stuff in the locker and came back down to peak and he was crying so I went in for a few minutes and tried to leave and he had the most pathetic little pout I just couldnt leave him so we left and I took him for breakfast at his favorite place for "morning hot dogs". I was sitting there waiting for the check and the lady never brought it so i went up there and asked for the check and they said it was taken care of..the waitress paid out bill. I really have no idea why...it was amazingly nice of her.. I did not even have any cash to tip her, I felt bad. There are some really nice people in this world. Tomorrow I have a personal training session to learn to use the weight machines and stuff. I am excited because there is no way I would try them by myself. If I learn to use them correctly I will keep using them. I am also signing up for the fit challenge. It would be amazing to win. I think the winner wins 12,000. Do you know what that would do for me? I could pay off all my debt and afford to be divorced. That fact alone gives me the motivation to do this, not even the good effects it will have on my body lol. It's a 12 week challenge but I will have to be hardcore like at the gym all the time and it would be beneficial to have a personal trainer. If I had the money to put out for one I would because if you think about it $50 a week for 12 weeks is $600 and that would probably greatly increase my odds of winning the $12,000...well worth it!!!!! My trainer said I am a good candidate.. I guess because I look like shit but have the possibility of making some great changes in 3 months!! LOL. Well it cannot hurt to try and I am going to put all my effort into this. I have started to look for new places to live. I hate waiting ..I am a planner so I am doing it now. I figure if I find a place I can move earlier than April and be settled instead of waiting last minute. If I find a place I am planning on only giving my landlord a months notice but obviously he doesn't need the money since he has not picked up the rent check yet. I am looking at some cheaper places and some more expensive places.. If I get a more expensive place I have to make sure I get 2 roommates which will be hard for many reasons but I could live in a beautiful place for the same amount versus a crappier place. I am seeing one tomorrow and one on Monday so we will see. I am happy the weekend is here I guess..although I have nothing to do and no free time. My mom isn't coming and i am not going there. The only things to do cost too much money. I like to take Dylan to to the movies and to play ski ball..Ski ball is cheap but movies is ridiculousl expensive...Dylan needs popcorn and a big thing of skittles and of course a darn soda. LOL. It costs over $30 when we go...and now that I mention soda today at breakfast he was freaking out wanting my soda but it was all gone so everytime a waitress walked by he would say "SODA".... LOL..like fill up this cup now because I throw a fit...oh man what have I done...

Goodnight!

Baby Day

I watched the baby for the first time today...She wanted to be held the whole time. Dylan went potty and did not tell me there was poop in his pull up..it got everywhere. I am trying to put the baby down who is screaming and finding wipes to clean Dylan up, he pulls up his pants dirty with no pull up on..the baby is still crying..Porter is just standing there like what is going on...yeah..it was interesting.. This is the first baby I have watched at that age (less than 2 months old)..my son didn't even come home until 6 months...it was...an experience.. Hopefully I have a little longer before I watch her full time. On another note, she is just precious... :) I am sitting here on the computer bored out of my mind. I think its time I find a hobby like reading or doing something constructive at night. I mean I could be cleaning and doing laundry but that gets old. It's funny because I used to watch TV everynight...now I do not even think about turning the TV on...odd... Tomorrow I get a free morning, I need to go to the gym finally and get my nails filled in..taking car of yourself is too darn expensive..hair, nails, gym...geez it was easy to not give a crap...but I am ready to move on and meet some new people so I need to look my best!!! I am going to put an ad up for a sitter swap so I can go out once in awhile and not have to pay a sitter..then I can just watch someone else's kids for them when they want to go out...should be a good idea if I can find the right person. I need to find a balance in my life for Dylan and for myself. I never really wanted this.. I want to be home everynight with my son, doing everything a mother does, but situations change and I am learning not to feel guilty or selfish for wanting to get out and find out who I am again. Thank God for Angie..she is truly my best friend. I am so glad we made up. I am sure most people don't know the story but we had a falling out about 7 years ago. We didn't talk for about 5 years... It sucked. But now things are great and we have so much fun together. We are going to hang out tomorrow, who knows what we will do but I am looking forward to it! So my new eating healthy plan is going pretty well. I have done good all week so far except for the exercise part...that should come into effect tomorrow, I hope. I constantly feel hungry though, its going to take some time to get used to. I think I cut out too many calories though.. I do not keep exact track but I have a feeling it may be too little for my body. I kind of go hard core low fat / low calorie when I do this..it may not be the best idea but its what I know works for me. I hope to lose 10 pounds by February 1st and another 15 more before April. That gives me 3 months to lose 25 pounds... I think I can do that...I always thought I would be happy at around 150 but now I find myself thinking about being like a size 4 or something and weighing like 120...hah that is a long ways off but something to day dream about. Honestly, I just want to be healthy and feel good about myself, its not really about the pounds! I think my mom may be coming downt his weekend.. I am super excited..if not I will probably go home for the weekend, I don't know...maybe I will just stay and enjoy Sunday to myself..maybe I can find something fun to do! :) Well enough rambling for tonight! I think I am going to hit the library tomorrow and find a good book to read!

Goodnight!