Home Sweet Home

We are finally home! It is always so nice to get home when you are away for awhile. The only part that I do not like is bringing everything in and putting it all away.. I got it all in but that's about as far as I got tonight :) Thankfully the weather is great and it was not a big deal. This weather reminds me of Georgia weather.. I loved it there! Well my 6th wedding Anniversary was yesterday and guess what.. I FORGOT!! I did not even think about it until my mom brought it up.. guessing that is a good sign. I am starting to feel a little like myself again..meeting new people, having fun with friends and trying to learn about myself again. I really lost touch with myself over the past 9 years and its nice to see it slowly coming back. I have a pretty busy and exciting week this week. I only have to babysit Tuesday and Wednesday but it is for Porter and the new baby..she is only about 2 months old so I am a little nervous. I did not even have my own kid home at that age!! Tomorrow since I have off I am going to get my hair done. I am planning on just retouching the roots but I have this urge to go blonder. I don't think I could go as far as full color but maybe lighter highlights. We will see! I am excited and ready for another change. Tuesday night Angie and I are finally going to see The Twelfth Night (hopefully) and New Years Eve we are planning on hanging out and watching movies. The line up is Transformers, Love and Sex, and Splendor in the Grass. LOL..don't ask.. She told me I need to see Transformers and I think that everyone should see Splendor in the Grass, it is a classic! Love and Sex was one of Shawn and I's favorite movies so its weird but its also a very good and not well known movie. Shawn is suppose to take Dylan for the weekend but i think I am going to tell him no..Carly and Joseph are coming down on Friday and I want Dylan to be able to see his friend before he does not get to see him for months. We will see how that goes over...I am not feeling so well.. I have this nasty cold that is consuming all my energy.. I guess I should get to bed, that just may help!

Merry Christmas!

As I sit here next to my snoring little boy I reflect on the day and I am so happy and blessed to have spent it with such great people that I am lucky enough to call my family. I have the most amazing parents in the world. They would do anything for Dylan and I and do so on a daily basis. I do not know what I would do without my mom..she is truly my rock. She is always there for me when I need her in every way possible. The same with my dad. I do not know what I would do without his help with Dylan. Over the past year he has been there on a drop of a dime to help me out. Dylan absolutely adores both of them. My aunt Sissy, Uncle Frankie, and cousin Michael moved down here almost a year ago from New Jersey. You won't ever meet nicer people than them. They love Dylan like he is their own grandchild, spoil him rotten and always make him smile and laugh. They would do anything for anybody and I am so blessed to be able to have spent my day with them. I also had the chance of visiting my in-laws house today. This is the first Christmas that Shawn and I have been separated so it was hard...but they are still my family. I have spent the last 9 Christmas's with them and it would have broken my heart if it was not the same this year. Despite the separation I have become really close with my sister in law and brother in law and I also got to see my nephew on his first Christmas. While it brings me so much joy to be there it is also bittersweet knowing that this will probably be the last year that I spend with my "family". It is hard to come to terms with all of the things you lose with a divorce..it is not only about two people..its about two families that have been joined together for almost a decade....and much more. My MIL and SIL surprised me with a peacoat that I have been wanting and they did not have to do that at all..it was very generous and I was very excited. All in all it was an amazing Christmas. Dylan is starting to get an idea of what Christmas is all about (well, for a child) so it makes it even more exciting. Today, when I was starting to feel a little bit of the bitterness come back with everything that has been going on..I looked at my son and how AMAZING he is doing....how smart he is...how happy he is....how healthy he is...and I know that I am doing something right.....and that is all that matters in my world....

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve...When I think about Christmas Eve, I think about Dylan's first Christmas Eve 3 years ago. Dylan had his 5th open heart surgery in November at 3 1/2 months old. They did this surgery earlier than they usually do it on children because there really were not many other options. Dylan had spent those 3 1/2 months being intubated and unsuccessfully extubated over and over again and nobody knew why. The last time he had to be reintubated was when they decided the surgery needed to be done. I remember it being really rough after the surgery..they had to leave Dylan's chest open for about a week I think. They really did not know how he was going to do and sounded very pessimisstic at first. A month later, on Christmas Eve, our little boy was extubated SUCCESSFULLY for the 1st time!!! It was amazing.. My Christmas miracle...He came home for the first time a month later...Today he is a happy 3 year old little boy doing normal 3 year old things (driving his mom nuts! lol). We have been so blessed...

Why am I watching Married with Children?

I feel like venting about things, but what is the point, ya know? I guess when I am here at my moms I have time to think about things and I just let myself get worked up...the difference between now and the past is that I am better at controlling things and do not allow myself to get so angry and worked up. Overall I have been feeling great about things, so I will continue to think positively. I got my grades today. I really though I was not going to do so great because I really slacked off the last few weeks...and finals were crazy, especially with the whole key's episode (long story), it just all threw me off. Anyways, I got an A, 2 B's, and a C... I am really happy with that..not bad considering how crazy things have been this past year..I am proud of myself..someday when I finally finish my degree and figure out what I want to do with my life I will see the pay off!

Tonight I went to Salisbury with my sister in law Brooke. We did some shopping and got our nails done. I was not planning on doing my nails anymore but now I am hooked...its so expensive to maintain yourself...hair, nails, eyebrows, gym membership, etc, etc..it was so much easier and cheaper when I did not care about myself LOL. So we had a good time. I am glad I can still maintain a relationship with my in laws despite what is going on with Shawn and I.

Tomorrow I will hopefully get some time to wrap some presents. I bought more crap for Dylan that he does'nt need today at Ollies. I have no idea where I am going to put all this stuff when we get home. It is crazy because right now we have a HUGE townhouse. Dylan has two toy rooms which include the entire basement. I have no idea what we are going to do when we move to a smaller place..lol


I treated myself to a few things at the mall today... I shouldn't have, but it feels good sometimes. I am just telling myself that I am celebrating my two weddings anniversaries with a separation anniversary sandwhiched between. LOL We got married 6 years ago at the court house on December 27th, we got separated a year ago on January 10th, and we had our WEDDING 6 years ago on February 16th. LOL I know, stupid...oh well

Canine Discipline

Today we visited my aunt. She has one dog, a husky named Cody. Dylan threw his pretzel down for Cody and told him to pick it up. When Cody did not pick it up (he doesn't like pretzels), Dylan counted to 3 and then smacked him...oh my LOL

Like..Woah...

I posted a personal ad on craigslist just for the hell of it...

This was one of my responses..

Constructive criticism? I, too have had good experiences on CL, but let me tell you to leave out the part about your child, esp. any references to "love of my life, is my life, will always come first,etc., etc."

Any self-respecting individual acknowleges the bond between parent and child and understands that. When you state that, you indicate there is no room for anyone else-ever, and this discussion could go on...

You are also at an age where it will be a rarity to find a male who will be at the same point in life as you. If he is divorced, separated, etc, and has children, more than likely the child's mother (like you) have custody and he is back out on the "scene". Ask yourself, where your "ex" may be.

Do yourself a favor and if you must acknowledge you have a child, due so just as that. State you are a mother, mother of one, etc. You are handicapping yourself from the start. You will find there are great guys out there that will find it won't be an issue when the are told, and if they cut-n-run, oh well, good for you. You are giving out personal information online, and this is not the place to do it, esp, on Craigslist. I'vedated lots of great kids with children, andit didn't matter. There were some nice times that included the little ones. BTW, Dear Abby says NEVER bring home a man if you have kids until you are firmly together, i.e. married. Hard to do in this day.

You are probably thinking I am an asshole. If so, well, I'll leave it at that.

Good luck and play it close to the vest. You'll do much better. I'd also omit the "HAHA" stuff, that's high school and the part of finding your best friend. You need to make your ad sound more mature if you really want to find a responsible man.

Mr. B.

Yeah..umm... thanks.. I guess I do not know what I am doing and in actuality I do not think I am ready for a relationship..my son comes first, point blank so I do not have much time for anything else right now... :)

My baby is sick

Last night we left around 6:15 to head to my moms. This is the first time in awhile that i tried to go before Dylan's bedtime. He is not a very happy camper in the car. Usually he would scream the entire time..when he was younger he would even make himself throw up..it was horrible. But, I hooked up the DVD player and made sure I had some of his electronic toys and he did just great. He is not feeling well so I do not know if that had anything to do with it or not. He stayed awake until we got to Salisbury and then he couldn't say awake any longer. I knew he was trying to stay awake because he was so excited about going to Gampy and Gammys! On the way home we stopped at Mcdonalds...it was the same Mcdonalds that we stopped at when my mom was driving me to see Dylan after my c-section and Dylan was flown to DC. All of a sudden I relived all of the emotions that I was feeling that day..It really freaked me out. I have never felt that way even everytime I am at the hospital. I don't know why it happened, it was weird. Today I took Dylan to Salisbury for some shopping and lunch. It was impossible to shop because it was so busy and Dylan was not feeling well at all. We came home and he had a 101.7 fever. I gave him some motrin and he seems much better. Karla called and invited me to a Redskins/Eagles game tomorrow. I REALLY want to go but it's probably not the best idea. I would have to leave Dylan, drive to DC and probably stay there overnight. I think it is suppose to rain as well. The game would signify a lot to me. I would of course be hoping that the Red Skins win...because I was only an Eagles fan by marriage ....and well I am not in that marriage anymore! LOL. Shawn has never been to a game so I almost would have felt guilty...but screw that.. I really feel like he honestly doesn't give a crap about me anymore.. I guess its easy for him to get over a 9 year relatioship (unless he *needs* something of course). Our 6th Anniversary will be on December 27th...fun....sorry thats the extent of my venting for the day :)

Save My Marriage E-mails

I keep getting this "Save my marriage" e-mails for some online program. I guess I subscribed to these things when we first split up...ummm yeah I think it's time to unsubscribe LOL. I was telling Shawn that Lobby Day is February 10th (For CHD's) and he got this weird look and ended up telling me he got me tickets to Citizen Cope for Christmas and that it was on the 10th. LOL I was so excited about the tickets..turns out its on January 28th so he ruined the surprise for nothing!! Oh well.. I cannot wait to see them I am sure it will be a great concert..Lobby Day should be great this year...speaking of that I still need to sign up. People from a bunch of the other Mended Little Heart's groups are coming into town to lobby so Jennifer and I are planning on staying at the hotel in DC so we don't have to worry about driving in so early in the morning. I had to force Dylan to wake up this morning, he is too funny. I guess this is a little taste of how the teenage years are gooing to be...gotta drag em out of bed!

I feel like writing but I do not know what to write about.. This IS becoming therapeutic for me. I missed my appointment today with the therapist because I was not feeling well, but I was hoping it would give me a chance to talk about some of the issues I am having with Dylan and get some advice. I have been seeing her since Shawn left and I was attempting to save my marriage, I usually just go when I am having a bad week. I am so tired tonight I think I may go to bed before 10 LOL. It is hard to do even when I am tired because I enjoy my nights alone...well I would enjoy them more with some company but you know what I mean. I went to lunch with Shawn today and to dinner and to the PX. It went well. I guess its because I just don't care anymore..I do not have any feelings left for him .. I am in a new place. I think one thing that is helping me is that I have been thinking of ways and things that I need to do in order to get a divorce and still financially be alright. I feel sooo much better about the situation because I now know that it is possible. I think the fear of that was one thing that was making things much harder for me so I am happy that I now know more! He was surprised at how Dylan was acting at dinner but I told him that is how he ALWAYS acts with me...he doesn't understand because Dylan is different around him. Of course kids are different around a person / parent who is raising them. I think it shed some light on how difficult it is to raise a 3 year old all alone. I don't know..I just want him to understand. Although the day went well it didn't end without the usual drama..just another validation of why I am glad I am not in that situation anymore. My old perspective was that I would have done anything to save my marriage, of course not keep it going like it was..I know now its not possible and that its best the way it is. I will be happier, my son will ultimately be happier, and someday we will look back and say "this is the reason this happened..." and I am sure it will be a good one :) So in my last entry I talked about the things that Dylan needs to bring to bed. Well when I went upstairs I noticed that on my nightstand there was his necklace, calculator, and book...when he came in bed with me when I was already asleep he brought it all with him LOL..too freakin cute! Well my best friend is moving away Sunday..I doubt I will get to see her before she goes...she is busy.. I am leaving tomorrow night...sigh.. I don't even know what to tell my son..oh well I guess...

Wake UP!!!

The last two nights I have kept Dylan up until 9 to see if that will help him with his sleep patterns...and it has, but now he does not want to wake up in the morning! It is hard for me because for the last 3 years I have waken up when Dylan has waken up..he has always woken up really early in time for school, etc. Now the alarm goes off at 7. I hit snooze assuming he is going to wake up soon anyways and the next thing I know its 7:40 and we are suppose to leave for school in 15 minutes. I try to wake him up and he just keeps shaking his head no LOL I finally take the covers off of him and he wakes up...I wish I could just keep sleeping and let him sleep as long as he wants! Hopefully he will start doing that on the weekends and then I will be in luck. I am watching Porter today but Dylan is with his dad.. Porter is taking a nap. This morning I woke up with the worst stomach pain / cramps. I thought I was going to pass out and thought I needed to go to the hospital at one point. I finally took a bath and a nap and felt better..then I ate a hamburger because I was really craving some red meat. I still don't know what was wrong but I am just glad it went away. Tomorrow after work Dylan and I are leaving for my mom's. I am working on getting the Christmas presents together, cleaning out the van, and packing. We are suppose to go make donuts with MSD tomorrow but I think I am going to send him to Oak Hill so I can get some things done and then he will get his Holiday treat from the teachers and other students before we head out. We will be there for over a week. I am excited and looking forward to getting some help with Dylan over the week. This is going to be a great Christmas!!! Tonight I was suppose to go to see the play but I cancelled because I did not know how I was going to feel :( I hope I will get a chance to go before the play is over, if not I can see if my roommate wants to buy the tickets. I will probably just go out and walk around the mall and try to relax for a little while. I need to get my nails done desperately so maybe I can do that. I have a $50 gift card to a salon that I still need to use and I would love to get my hair rehighlighted but it would still probably cost me a fortune!!!

I'm back...

Well, back to the blogging world! I always seem to start, write one or two entries and then forget about it for a year...and its been 11 months since my last post so almost a year! LOL. I was starting to think about the past like when we brought Dylan home and the past 3 years of his life and how I have nothing documenting the little things. I know someday I would love to go back and read about our days, the new things Dylan learned and the funny little things he does to make me smile. So this is my early New Years resolution that I will be writing in this blog very often!!! So Shawn and I have been separated for 11 months and 7 days. I cannot believe it has almost been a year. I am finally moving through the process and starting to feel like myself again. I was stuck in the anger phase for WAY to long. I feel good now...ready to move on with my life, ready to meet new people. I actually find myself thinking about meeting a man and getting married again and even about having more kids..which is really weird for me because I never wanted anymore kids. Of course all of this is a long ways away from now if it even happens at all. I would be perfectly content raising my son alone...although it does get a little lonely. I now that no man will ever replace Dylan's father but it would be nice to have someone here raising him with me and being a daily influence in his life. I know it would be a great thing for Dylan..and for me...So everything else is going pretty well. Dylan is doing great in school and seems to really enjoy it. I have been a little up in the air about keeping him there or moving him back full time to MSD but everyday when I drop him off and he smiles and doesn't cry helps me realize that he is probably where he needs to be ..for now atleast. Dylan is staying very healthy except for a couple pain in the butt ear infections. We have been extremely lucky with his health considering he is around TONS of other children. I guess in the long run the socialization helps his body with the germs. I have just finished my semester in school. I started off with 5 classes and had to withdrawal from one... It was kind of depressing but considering the state of mind that I was in for the entire semester I am surprised I finished 4 of them. I got an A in my ASL class of course (LOL) and I am still waiting on the grades from my other classes. Since Dylan's surgery is in May I am only taking 2 online classes and not doing ASL 2. I don't want to take on too much and most likely ASL finals will fall shortly after his surgery. I cannot believe that it is tentatively 4 1/2 months away. :( It is so hard to give up my HEALTHY little boy for this surgery. I know he NEEDS it but he is doing so well that its hard to understand sometimes. I mean if he was blue , out of breath, always sick, etc, etc, we would SEE the need for the surgery but with Dylan we don't see it so it makes it even harder in a way. I am afraid he will come out worse off...okay, I am not going to get all depressed or anything. I am just enjoying my time with Dylan and know that it is just another bump in the road and that my little fighter will get through this one with flying colors. Christmas is almost here and I am almost ready..doing a small Christmas for everyone..except Dylan of course. Not sure how things are going to go with Shawn and I but I just want to have the best Christmas for Dylan as possible. He is really into Santa this year...it is so fun! Well I feel like there is so much to catch up on but I have so many things to do tonight before bed. We are leaving Friday for my mom's and tomorrow I will be babysitting and then heading to The Shakespeare Theatre with Angie to see the Twelfth Night so I won't really have time to get things done. I am excited to get to see a show! The tickets were donated for our Mended Little Heart's silent auction and my mom bid on them for me :) I have been having a hard time over the last week with Dylan and his bedtime routine..he was waking up soon after going to sleep and crying for a long time. Last night he did great so tonight I tried to keep him up later (like last night) so we will see how that works. He is sooo funny..He has this little calculator that he has to sleep with at night and he calls it his phone. He had it down in the basement and wouldnt go to sleep until he had it. I went down to get it but couldn't find it so he came down both flights of stairs and went right to it in the spot he hid it in. LOL I don't know how he expected me to find it. He also has to sleep with a book, his little fake fish tank on, his dora story time projector, a random hat and his newest thing is this snow man necklace that Uncle Donny bought for him at the Winterfest of Lights...he cracks me up :)

So tell me why, you don't care enough to try

Today we had our first fishy funeral of many. Of course the $7.00 goldfish died after 1 day. I am sure it was my fault, it always is! The tank is all cloudy..I am sure the other fish will soon follow its friend down the tunnel aka the toilet. Dylan was very confused. LOL He just threw his hands up like what the hell is going on. I guess I should have just tried to hide it from him

I would have to say that we had a GREAT day! I actually got a lot done around the house and Dylan was really good. We had fun! The house is starting to look really nice and I plan to keep it that way. It was definitely nice to sit down at 7:30 and not have to worry about the house being a mess. There are still a million little things I could do but sometimes I think I need to force myself to chill out.

So, my classes start tomorrow. Child psychology and personality theories - and I may or may not be taking ASL 2. I have been back and forth with trying to decide to take it and today I faxed over the registration to enroll but I think they may have not gotten it. If not then I am just going to skip it..It would mean giving up my work shift on Wednesday nights and a little more stress than I probably need right now. Hopefully I can get on the ball myself and start working on learning.

Karla is coming tomorrow night and we are suppose to go out Thursday night if I dont have class. I am sure going out will turn into dinner and a movie. As much as sometimes I wish I could go "out" out its just not me anymore. I don't those kind of scenes and I really don't like to drink. Good for me right? Maybe when I lose weight and feel morel like myself again I will be more into going out and meeting people..That will be a long time from now ..it may never be that way..its definitely not my focus.

I seem to be doing good. Sometimes I get in the mode where I really feel like I need to do everything possible to make my marriage work..but I know its out of my hands at this point. Dylan is more important to me then crying over "spilled milk"..he needs me to be strong...and what do I have to be upset about? I am the one that gets to spend everyday watching my grow up..what more can I ask for!!!

To much walkin', shoes worn thin

So how come I always start these blogs when things aren't going well for Shawn and I? Is it because I have more time to do it or is just because I have all these thoughts built up inside that I need to get out? Probably both...I don't know. I also start listening to music more and reading into the lyrics. I guess they are both things that help me get through things. I don't know how I would survive without music. I almost hate saying that because I don't know if my son will ever get to full enjoy music. I find it so amazing now that he loves music..he loves listening to it on my phone and his little ipod and he adores the guitar. I hope that he is really getting to hear it. I think music is one of the main things that would make me say yes to a cochlear implant. I guess that is just something that we will know in time. If he gets older and says that is what he wants then that is what he will get...for now, he is the happiest little boy ever, so why change anything?

 The marraige counselor told me to find something to help me relax at night. I dont really have any particular hobbies to do so I figure maybe writing in this everynight will help. Soon I will have school work to keep me busy though so we will see.

On an amazing note, Dylan said "Fishy"....Its hard to believe because its a hard word to say but he said it and in context as well!! GO lil man, mommy loves you!